I noticed that your FB page is completely gone now. I wonder if that were your idea or not. It does not really matter b/c you unfriended me anyway. I still cannot get over how you let me ramble on and on last week on the phone, when you knew she was right there. You baited me and I said some really awful things that she did NOT need to hear. What a mistake it was to believe you would actually want to talk to me. It feels like a set-up. Why is she so worried about what I told Fr. L.? If she is so worried, maybe she should go talk to him for herself.
You may be impressed to know that for the last two mornings, it has actually been 5 or more minutes b/f you crossed my mind. I know I am impressed! Funny how I can barely embrace that giddy, happy feeling that I enjoyed those few months. The fun, the conversations, the anti-ci-pa-tion! of our times together. Even the phone calls were something to look forward to. Now you have what you have, J has what he has, and in a perverse sort of way, I am happy for both of you. Jealous, crazy mad and sad for me, but happy that you guys are happy. Me? I got nothing but a pocket full of memories, and a hanky full of tears. Two, three months ago, I felt like I was on the top of the world. Now I have memories, a divorce to get through, and a future that does not look very bright.
So I think a lot. What would I like to do? Where would I like to go with my life. Sometimes I think some place new and exotic would be a lovely adventure. A new place, a new chance, a new life. But there are part of my old life that I just cannot give up. My friends. The girls' schools. For the most part they are so happy where they are. I can't take that away from them, too. I don't have many anwers and tons of questions. So I sit here, thinking and wondering....
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Another night....
Another night and I can't sleep. Everything seems to be spinning farther and farther out of control. Someone has shared some very private information to a very greedy public. I don't know who, I don't know why. But I know it hurts. I have not shared the details of my mistakes with anyone that could do "my friend" any harm, yet somehow, it is out there. The only person with information and motive is my stbex. He is such a stranger to me now, I am not sure I can say that "he would never do that". If "his" wife has spread the word, and she is trying to hurt "him" then that is the best way she can hurt me. I have nothing left to lose; the best way to hurt me would be to hurt him. Is she really that hateful, that vengeful, that mean? If so, then I ask for the hundreth time, How can he stay with her? I guess it's comfortable, I guess it's easy. One thing I have learned for myself is that I cannot be miserable for the rest of my life just because it is to "hard" to get out of it. If I had made that realization 20 years ago, I doubt I would be in the mess I am now.
Again, my mind wanders: what would I say to "him" if I could get him to hear me? I am so sorry that I said the things that I said last week. If I had realized that "she" was there, I would not have said anything. Why, oh why, do I keep making this worse?? It was not until after all of the calls that I listened again to the message, and realized that she was right there. I was so hurt, so confused by what he said. Now I get it. But what would I want to know if we could talk again? Are you well? Is she taking care of you? Do you miss "us"? Will things ever get better?
I know things will never be the same as they were six months ago, but I do wish that there could be a new "normal". I know she will never get past this, but she will never let him go, either. Why is that some people are like that? "I have no use for him, but I won't let him go either." That is very sad. That is not love, that is control. And that is very very sad. I have little hope that he would ever come back to me, but I do wish she would let him go if she is not willing or able to care for him the way he deserves.
There are so many things that I would love to talk to "him" about. Funny how my daughter nailed it on the head when she said last year that she needed to talk to her best friend about her best friend. How right she was!
Again, my mind wanders: what would I say to "him" if I could get him to hear me? I am so sorry that I said the things that I said last week. If I had realized that "she" was there, I would not have said anything. Why, oh why, do I keep making this worse?? It was not until after all of the calls that I listened again to the message, and realized that she was right there. I was so hurt, so confused by what he said. Now I get it. But what would I want to know if we could talk again? Are you well? Is she taking care of you? Do you miss "us"? Will things ever get better?
I know things will never be the same as they were six months ago, but I do wish that there could be a new "normal". I know she will never get past this, but she will never let him go, either. Why is that some people are like that? "I have no use for him, but I won't let him go either." That is very sad. That is not love, that is control. And that is very very sad. I have little hope that he would ever come back to me, but I do wish she would let him go if she is not willing or able to care for him the way he deserves.
There are so many things that I would love to talk to "him" about. Funny how my daughter nailed it on the head when she said last year that she needed to talk to her best friend about her best friend. How right she was!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
I just can't sleep
It is 3 a.m. and I just can't sleep. I miss being able to talk to my friend. I want to know what is happening with his job search. How are things going with the golf tournament? I just want to be able to share with you what I am going through. How hard this is to be living this without out your humor, your wisdom, your comfort. Your hugs. Remember that day I went by just to get a hug? You were so sweet to me just because I had a bad dream. I miss the comfort of your company.
Seeing you tonight just made my heart ache. You look well. You look so good to me.
I wonder if J is taking care of you-- the way I can, or even at all. Maybe you exaggerated how little she cares for you, but I never lied, never misrepresented how interested I am in everything about you and your health concerns. I never faked wanting to learn how to care for you, if you needed me to.
I write this as if you will ever read it. I doubt it. I know it is unlikely, if not impossible. But I need to be able to say what I have to say, or I will explode.
I wonder if you ever think of me. If you miss our candid-blunt- conversations on FB. That is so much fun to be able to express what was on our minds: the good, the bad, the naughty!
I don't think I will ever be able or want to trust someone like I trusted you. What a fool I was to think it could last. I knew it wouldn't. I felt it in my bones. I kept telling myself that you were right: this is good for now, for as long as it lasts, or whatever you said. It was my mistake to let my heart get involved. But you were so kind, so patient, so tender with me, my body and my soul. You pleased me, you comforted me, you were there for me. What fool I was to hope that it could last. What a fool I was to think you could care for me too.
And you say things are better for you and J than they have been in a long time. I may sound snarky, but part of me says "Good for you" and I mean it; and then part of me says "Woopdy fucking doo!"
My life is hell. My kids are mad at me. My friends feel sorry for me. Hell, I feel sorry for me. In a perverse twist, I have YOU to thank for what has happened. I think that without the revelation that an intimate friendship is possible, I would not have had the courage to continue with this separation.
I have hated the way my life has been/felt for a long time. In some moments, I cannot believe I waited so long to make a move. But I made vows. I made promises that I did mean to keep. But I just can't pretend anymore. I cannot force myself to feel things that I can't, and I can't behave as if I feel them.
My heart aches for my girls. Heaven only knows what their dad has told them. I am almost sure he has told A what I did. I can almost feel her scorn. Or maybe I am paranoid. That could be too.
I have worries. I have questions. I have fears. I want the pain of missing you to ease. I wonder if you miss me too. I just can't sleep.
Seeing you tonight just made my heart ache. You look well. You look so good to me.
I wonder if J is taking care of you-- the way I can, or even at all. Maybe you exaggerated how little she cares for you, but I never lied, never misrepresented how interested I am in everything about you and your health concerns. I never faked wanting to learn how to care for you, if you needed me to.
I write this as if you will ever read it. I doubt it. I know it is unlikely, if not impossible. But I need to be able to say what I have to say, or I will explode.
I wonder if you ever think of me. If you miss our candid-blunt- conversations on FB. That is so much fun to be able to express what was on our minds: the good, the bad, the naughty!
I don't think I will ever be able or want to trust someone like I trusted you. What a fool I was to think it could last. I knew it wouldn't. I felt it in my bones. I kept telling myself that you were right: this is good for now, for as long as it lasts, or whatever you said. It was my mistake to let my heart get involved. But you were so kind, so patient, so tender with me, my body and my soul. You pleased me, you comforted me, you were there for me. What fool I was to hope that it could last. What a fool I was to think you could care for me too.
And you say things are better for you and J than they have been in a long time. I may sound snarky, but part of me says "Good for you" and I mean it; and then part of me says "Woopdy fucking doo!"
My life is hell. My kids are mad at me. My friends feel sorry for me. Hell, I feel sorry for me. In a perverse twist, I have YOU to thank for what has happened. I think that without the revelation that an intimate friendship is possible, I would not have had the courage to continue with this separation.
I have hated the way my life has been/felt for a long time. In some moments, I cannot believe I waited so long to make a move. But I made vows. I made promises that I did mean to keep. But I just can't pretend anymore. I cannot force myself to feel things that I can't, and I can't behave as if I feel them.
My heart aches for my girls. Heaven only knows what their dad has told them. I am almost sure he has told A what I did. I can almost feel her scorn. Or maybe I am paranoid. That could be too.
I have worries. I have questions. I have fears. I want the pain of missing you to ease. I wonder if you miss me too. I just can't sleep.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
What I might say if I could..
Each day get a little bit easier. I think about you a little less. I am sad, though, that all communication seems to be cut off. I am telling myself that it is b/c of your wife, and not your choice at all. I wonder if you ever think about me. I wonder if you are at all worried about what I am going through. We knew we were taking risks, we knew we were taking a chance. I don't know what you expected or thought would happen to bring this to an end.
I wonder what it will be like the next time I see you. Will that not be until September? Will you let me work at the Italian fest w/ you? Will you--or your wife-- make it so that I can't even see you then?
I wonder if you miss me at all. I miss our talks, our laughs, being in touch with someone with deep thoughts, bright ideas and things to do... I miss feeling connected...I miss you.
Each day gets a little bit easier...
I wonder what it will be like the next time I see you. Will that not be until September? Will you let me work at the Italian fest w/ you? Will you--or your wife-- make it so that I can't even see you then?
I wonder if you miss me at all. I miss our talks, our laughs, being in touch with someone with deep thoughts, bright ideas and things to do... I miss feeling connected...I miss you.
Each day gets a little bit easier...
For the First Time
For the first time in very long time, I am beginning to feel human again. I have made a lot of mistakes lately, but the hardest decision I have ever made is not one of them: I will be divorcing my husband. We have 3 absolutely incredible daughters, 15, 13 and 10, and while I know this is rocking their world to the roots, I still think it will be the best thing for all of us.
No, my husband does not beat me nor them. No, he is not on drugs, have a gambling problem, or waste our money. There are much more deeply rooted issues at work here, and as my thoughts come together, I hope to use this blog to sort things out. I have made a terrible mistake by trying to ease my unhappiness in the arms of another man. Yes, I had an affair. It is the ugly, awful truth that I tried to ease my unhappiness by convincing myself that sex is the same thing as love.
I got involved with my "friend" at a time when I was feeling very alone, very unloved, and very very sad. The excitment of flirting with someone has always been irristible to me. Being heavy and feeling dumpy most of my life, I rather enjoy the game of being coy and "raunchy" whenever I get the chance. I found a man that was as equally enthralled at the game as I am.
Believe it or not, present circumstances excluded, I still have a great deal of affection, and yes, respect for this man. He is, in realtiy, a kind, clever, intelligent human being. Do I fool myself that he ever loved me? No. Do I wish he did? Yes.
How is it that he became available to take this flirtation to the next level? Well, if he is to be believed, and that is a big IF, his home life has not been exactly perfect for quite sometime. Seems he felt his wife knocked him down too far on "the list". After the 4 children, the 2 sons-in- law, the three grandchildren, my friend was seemingly at the bottom of the list. I believe he has felt detached and underappreciated for quite some time. Our "encounters" are not the first (or last?) time he has sought attention from another woman. Yes, that is a red flag when it comes to a "relationship", but when this started, I had no hopes or expectations whatsoever. Hell, I had never done this before! Is it a one-time make out session? Is it an occasional blow job? Well, if we have sex, surely that will not last! But it did. The talking, the relating, the attention, the affection-and sex-became the nourishment that I needed to keep myself going while my husband ignored me, avoided me, and generally kept as far away from me as he could.
For four (almost) glorious months, my friend and I would meet, usually once a week, and sneak off somewhere to be alone. At first, we tried to keep our "boundaries" in place. I am so self-conscious about my body, that I did not think I would EVER let him see me naked-ever! But as we shared time together, it became easier and easier to let those barriers fall. It seemed that he had no apprehension or revulsion towards my flabby mommy-belly, or my "droopy" boobs. In fact, he said the nicest thing to make me feel attractive and appreciated! I also deluded myself that if we did not have intercourse, I was not "doing anthing all that wrong".
It was I who pushed the boundaries! We had a special day planned at a special place, somewhere where we could be alone and do whatever we wanted to do. However, when we arrived, there was someone there! I was so, so disappointed! It seemed that once I had made the decision to go all the way with this, I did not want anything to stop me!
So we went to a park, found a very, very isolated spot, and had ourselves a little fun! Just playing around at first, but then "the urge" struck me, and I made the first cross-over into forbidden territory! Yep, me, the good-little-always do-what's-right kind of girl, took over, and I got what I wanted!
I think I surprised "my friend" with my assertiveness, but I sure did not hear any complaints!
But it took things to another level, in my heart, in my mind, in my body and in my soul. I began to feel connected to another human being. Someone that I liked very much, enjoyed the banter and discussions with, and really felt comfortable being myself with. Feelings that I have not had in a very long time, if ever, in my marriage. Even if it were "just sex" for him, and I honestly don't think it was, it gave me the incentive I needed to make a change at home. I AM lovable, I DO have things that someone else may find attractive. Life is to short to be this unhappy. Sure there are those who choose to "stick it out for the kids". But if I continue to live in this empty, vacuous marriage, there will be nothing left of me to "stick it out".
I know my path to this decision has been poorly chosen. I did not want to be this kind of woman, but then again, I never thought I'd be in this kind of marriage.
As time goes on, I may be able to put more thoughts into words; today my mind is just so full of swirling thoughts, I had to write them down or I would explode! Even if no other human ever reads this blog, I will have tried to purge my mind of the poisonous demons that are trying to poison my very soul!
No, my husband does not beat me nor them. No, he is not on drugs, have a gambling problem, or waste our money. There are much more deeply rooted issues at work here, and as my thoughts come together, I hope to use this blog to sort things out. I have made a terrible mistake by trying to ease my unhappiness in the arms of another man. Yes, I had an affair. It is the ugly, awful truth that I tried to ease my unhappiness by convincing myself that sex is the same thing as love.
I got involved with my "friend" at a time when I was feeling very alone, very unloved, and very very sad. The excitment of flirting with someone has always been irristible to me. Being heavy and feeling dumpy most of my life, I rather enjoy the game of being coy and "raunchy" whenever I get the chance. I found a man that was as equally enthralled at the game as I am.
Believe it or not, present circumstances excluded, I still have a great deal of affection, and yes, respect for this man. He is, in realtiy, a kind, clever, intelligent human being. Do I fool myself that he ever loved me? No. Do I wish he did? Yes.
How is it that he became available to take this flirtation to the next level? Well, if he is to be believed, and that is a big IF, his home life has not been exactly perfect for quite sometime. Seems he felt his wife knocked him down too far on "the list". After the 4 children, the 2 sons-in- law, the three grandchildren, my friend was seemingly at the bottom of the list. I believe he has felt detached and underappreciated for quite some time. Our "encounters" are not the first (or last?) time he has sought attention from another woman. Yes, that is a red flag when it comes to a "relationship", but when this started, I had no hopes or expectations whatsoever. Hell, I had never done this before! Is it a one-time make out session? Is it an occasional blow job? Well, if we have sex, surely that will not last! But it did. The talking, the relating, the attention, the affection-and sex-became the nourishment that I needed to keep myself going while my husband ignored me, avoided me, and generally kept as far away from me as he could.
For four (almost) glorious months, my friend and I would meet, usually once a week, and sneak off somewhere to be alone. At first, we tried to keep our "boundaries" in place. I am so self-conscious about my body, that I did not think I would EVER let him see me naked-ever! But as we shared time together, it became easier and easier to let those barriers fall. It seemed that he had no apprehension or revulsion towards my flabby mommy-belly, or my "droopy" boobs. In fact, he said the nicest thing to make me feel attractive and appreciated! I also deluded myself that if we did not have intercourse, I was not "doing anthing all that wrong".
It was I who pushed the boundaries! We had a special day planned at a special place, somewhere where we could be alone and do whatever we wanted to do. However, when we arrived, there was someone there! I was so, so disappointed! It seemed that once I had made the decision to go all the way with this, I did not want anything to stop me!
So we went to a park, found a very, very isolated spot, and had ourselves a little fun! Just playing around at first, but then "the urge" struck me, and I made the first cross-over into forbidden territory! Yep, me, the good-little-always do-what's-right kind of girl, took over, and I got what I wanted!
I think I surprised "my friend" with my assertiveness, but I sure did not hear any complaints!
But it took things to another level, in my heart, in my mind, in my body and in my soul. I began to feel connected to another human being. Someone that I liked very much, enjoyed the banter and discussions with, and really felt comfortable being myself with. Feelings that I have not had in a very long time, if ever, in my marriage. Even if it were "just sex" for him, and I honestly don't think it was, it gave me the incentive I needed to make a change at home. I AM lovable, I DO have things that someone else may find attractive. Life is to short to be this unhappy. Sure there are those who choose to "stick it out for the kids". But if I continue to live in this empty, vacuous marriage, there will be nothing left of me to "stick it out".
I know my path to this decision has been poorly chosen. I did not want to be this kind of woman, but then again, I never thought I'd be in this kind of marriage.
As time goes on, I may be able to put more thoughts into words; today my mind is just so full of swirling thoughts, I had to write them down or I would explode! Even if no other human ever reads this blog, I will have tried to purge my mind of the poisonous demons that are trying to poison my very soul!
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